Sorry, James, I Just Can’t Marry You

10 May

   Last week, I got an email marriage proposal [in my spam folder] from a gentleman named “James.”  I’m afraid to email James directly because he may be a phisher who is trying to hack into my email account (Or maybe he is the South Korean who hacked into my email account and spammed all my contacts over the weekend.)  Yes, I know, I do have trust issues, but in this case, I don’t think they’re unwarranted.  Therefore, I am going to write an open letter to James so I can tell him my answer is no and make sure that he doesn’t somehow get into my bank account. Or try to delete my blog.  Again.  (Yes, I’ve been having a tumultuous time in cyberspace lately.)

An Open Letter to James

James, (I didn’t want to say “Dear James” as that might give you the wrong impression about “us.”)

Thank you for the email that you sent on the twenty-ninth of April.  I would have found your correspondence sooner, but for some reason, it was sent directly to my spam folder.  While I appreciate your offer of marriage, I cannot say “yes” for several reasons, which I will outline below.

First, I am a take-it-slow romantic kind of girl.  Therefore a quickie marriage to a guy I met over email simply doesn’t cut it for me.  Perhaps you should have asked me over dinner and a movie.  Try that on the next lady and you may yield a more positive outcome.

Second, I write for a living, so little things like grammar mean a lot to me.  If you took the time to check your atrocious spelling, consulted an online grammar site, used periods at the end of sentences, or even capitalized a few letters, I might have been a little more receptive to your marriage proposal.

Third, I believe you may be a spammer trying to hack into my email account, steal my identity, or empty my back account (good luck there, James!)  Relationships need to be built on a foundation of trust and understanding.  Because of your alleged criminal allegiances, I just cannot morally justify this sham of a proposal.  While some women really dig the whole “bad boy” image, I am not one of them.

Again, James, I appreciate your email.  Really, I do.  But as you can see, we live in two different worlds—one of good grammar, romantic notions, and identity protection and another of pathetic language art skills, marriages of convenience, and identity theft.  Therefore, James, if that’s your real name, I must say “no,” but thank you for being the only guy who has ever summoned up the courage to ask me to be his partner in holy matrimony.

Sincerely,

Amy (which may or may not be my real name)

Like me, have you ever had to refuse a proposal of marriage?  Has anyone ever asked you to marry him or her via email?  Was his name James?  Give me the deets in the comments section.

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13 Responses to “Sorry, James, I Just Can’t Marry You”

  1. Charlie's Church of Christ May 10, 2011 at 1:52 AM #

    that was hilarious – well done. All solid reasons, I do say.

    at church youth camp if you were caught with your elbow(s) on the dinner table you had to propose to the closest girl – the worst part was even if I got a yes we were not old enough to consent for ourselves.

  2. Birgit May 10, 2011 at 2:12 AM #

    Thanks for the laugh!
    And oh, by the way, I think that guy proposed to me too … the nerve of some men!?
    😉

  3. ShariCakes May 10, 2011 at 12:39 PM #

    I love it. I too think this is the same James who is posing on Craigs List for jobs and what not. I’ve also rejected his proposals.

    Although, I never turned down a marriage proposal (I don’t think I did.) If it was an email proposal that would be a definate no. Steve might send and IM but that’s just us 🙂 j/k.

  4. Crystal May 10, 2011 at 2:56 PM #

    this is awesome! sorry james … you just don’t make the cut!

  5. Donna May 10, 2011 at 5:54 PM #

    Darn! I thought I was about to have a new son-in-law. I already ordered the cake!

  6. Hira Hasnain May 10, 2011 at 6:28 PM #

    Hahaha,

    This is HILARIOUS Amy! James, you might want to clean up your grammar, stop spamming people, become a real prince charming and even then you probably won’t be worthy of Amy…because she’s a real princess! How do I know? Because she’s marrying Prince Harry, that’s how! 🙂

  7. Jessica's Musings May 10, 2011 at 7:51 PM #

    Seriously LOL-ing over here! Smart move saying no. I’ve never gotten a marriage proposal, but appearantly I have several dead relatives in the South Africa area who have left me a sizable inheritance.

    I thought I was the only one who was bothered by bad grammar!

  8. Amy May 10, 2011 at 7:57 PM #

    Well, thank you all for enjoying this “light” post. There’s a serious one coming tomorrow. (Preview available over at BackseatReader.net…if you become a GFC follower over there you get, 169514 cool points, and yes, they are redeemable for prizes at gift shops in the USSR.)

    I’m pretty sure that “James” could be a serial proposer as well as a Nigerian scam artist… Or a woman. Hmm…

  9. sugarpeach May 11, 2011 at 7:41 AM #

    Haha! This reminds me of a friend blogged about an email marriage proposal. http://marcusdipsilas.blogspot.com/2009/06/glad-news-and-good-tidings.html

  10. Melissa's Meanderings May 11, 2011 at 11:53 AM #

    That was entirely too funny!! Thanks for the laugh!

  11. Kimberly (Reflections of a Book Addict) May 12, 2011 at 11:13 PM #

    Amy – hysterical post. I hate getting random crazy spam mail. Drives me nuts.

  12. Aik May 31, 2011 at 4:28 AM #

    This post is so funny! I can’t help laughing out loud while reading it. And I do get spam, but I usually never bother to read them and delete them with a click of my mouse.

  13. Amy May 31, 2011 at 11:20 AM #

    Aik, you could be getting marriage proposals and not even know it! I only read this one because I check my spam folder for legit mail and the subject was something about being in love with me. I thought, this looks hilarious. I’ve got to read it.

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