Last week, I got an email marriage proposal [in my spam folder] from a gentleman named “James.” I’m afraid to email James directly because he may be a phisher who is trying to hack into my email account (Or maybe he is the South Korean who hacked into my email account and spammed all my contacts over the weekend.) Yes, I know, I do have trust issues, but in this case, I don’t think they’re unwarranted. Therefore, I am going to write an open letter to James so I can tell him my answer is no and make sure that he doesn’t somehow get into my bank account. Or try to delete my blog. Again. (Yes, I’ve been having a tumultuous time in cyberspace lately.)
An Open Letter to James
James, (I didn’t want to say “Dear James” as that might give you the wrong impression about “us.”)
Thank you for the email that you sent on the twenty-ninth of April. I would have found your correspondence sooner, but for some reason, it was sent directly to my spam folder. While I appreciate your offer of marriage, I cannot say “yes” for several reasons, which I will outline below.
First, I am a take-it-slow romantic kind of girl. Therefore a quickie marriage to a guy I met over email simply doesn’t cut it for me. Perhaps you should have asked me over dinner and a movie. Try that on the next lady and you may yield a more positive outcome.
Second, I write for a living, so little things like grammar mean a lot to me. If you took the time to check your atrocious spelling, consulted an online grammar site, used periods at the end of sentences, or even capitalized a few letters, I might have been a little more receptive to your marriage proposal.
Third, I believe you may be a spammer trying to hack into my email account, steal my identity, or empty my back account (good luck there, James!) Relationships need to be built on a foundation of trust and understanding. Because of your alleged criminal allegiances, I just cannot morally justify this sham of a proposal. While some women really dig the whole “bad boy” image, I am not one of them.
Again, James, I appreciate your email. Really, I do. But as you can see, we live in two different worlds—one of good grammar, romantic notions, and identity protection and another of pathetic language art skills, marriages of convenience, and identity theft. Therefore, James, if that’s your real name, I must say “no,” but thank you for being the only guy who has ever summoned up the courage to ask me to be his partner in holy matrimony.
Amy (which may or may not be my real name)
Like me, have you ever had to refuse a proposal of marriage? Has anyone ever asked you to marry him or her via email? Was his name James? Give me the deets in the comments section.