Tag Archives: spam

Sorry, James, I Just Can’t Marry You

10 May

   Last week, I got an email marriage proposal [in my spam folder] from a gentleman named “James.”  I’m afraid to email James directly because he may be a phisher who is trying to hack into my email account (Or maybe he is the South Korean who hacked into my email account and spammed all my contacts over the weekend.)  Yes, I know, I do have trust issues, but in this case, I don’t think they’re unwarranted.  Therefore, I am going to write an open letter to James so I can tell him my answer is no and make sure that he doesn’t somehow get into my bank account. Or try to delete my blog.  Again.  (Yes, I’ve been having a tumultuous time in cyberspace lately.)

An Open Letter to James

James, (I didn’t want to say “Dear James” as that might give you the wrong impression about “us.”)

Thank you for the email that you sent on the twenty-ninth of April.  I would have found your correspondence sooner, but for some reason, it was sent directly to my spam folder.  While I appreciate your offer of marriage, I cannot say “yes” for several reasons, which I will outline below.

First, I am a take-it-slow romantic kind of girl.  Therefore a quickie marriage to a guy I met over email simply doesn’t cut it for me.  Perhaps you should have asked me over dinner and a movie.  Try that on the next lady and you may yield a more positive outcome.

Second, I write for a living, so little things like grammar mean a lot to me.  If you took the time to check your atrocious spelling, consulted an online grammar site, used periods at the end of sentences, or even capitalized a few letters, I might have been a little more receptive to your marriage proposal.

Third, I believe you may be a spammer trying to hack into my email account, steal my identity, or empty my back account (good luck there, James!)  Relationships need to be built on a foundation of trust and understanding.  Because of your alleged criminal allegiances, I just cannot morally justify this sham of a proposal.  While some women really dig the whole “bad boy” image, I am not one of them.

Again, James, I appreciate your email.  Really, I do.  But as you can see, we live in two different worlds—one of good grammar, romantic notions, and identity protection and another of pathetic language art skills, marriages of convenience, and identity theft.  Therefore, James, if that’s your real name, I must say “no,” but thank you for being the only guy who has ever summoned up the courage to ask me to be his partner in holy matrimony.


Amy (which may or may not be my real name)

Like me, have you ever had to refuse a proposal of marriage?  Has anyone ever asked you to marry him or her via email?  Was his name James?  Give me the deets in the comments section.


Christmas Un-Wrapped with Reese Roper

22 Dec

Reese Roper (Five Iron Frenzy, brave Saint Saint, Roper) granted me one of my first interviews ever—for my cut-and-paste zine, Third Nail.  I thanked him by giving him a can of Spam.  Now we’re both much older and we’re doing it again—interviewer and interviewee—to celebrate the holidays with another Christmas Un-Wrapped.

Speaking of wrapping, I’m still hoping to get brave Saint Saturn’s third and final release, Anti-Meridian, for Christmas.  That is, if Reese ever sends me my review copy (I’m pretty sure it’s a lost cause).  Also, remember to keep a look out for The Rise and Fall of Five Iron Frenzy, a documentary about FIF to be released in early 2010 and distributed by Asian Man Records.

What’s your fave Christmas song/Christmas movie or cartoon/Christmas cookie?
Christmas Song—“Oh Holy Night” as recorded by Seven Day Jesus. I have literally wept several hundred times while listening to it. I’m not even kidding. It is made so much better by the fact that there are only about 12 good Christmas songs and thousands of other horrifically crappy ones.

Christmas Movie—Die Hard. YES, it is a Christmas movie- the credits play out as Run DMC sings “Christmas in Hollis”.

Christmas Cookie- Peanut butter cookies are the best, no matter what time of year.

New Year’s resolution—yes or no? If yes, what is your resolution?

Resolution- No. Revolution- Heck yes! 365.25 times a year I enjoy the earth revolving on its axis!

Have you ever recorded a Christmas song of your own—what song did you do and what makes it the best one on the planet?

Five Iron Frenzy recorded a horribly botched version of “You Gotta Get Up” by Rich Mullins. I think hospitals now use it as a cheaper way to induce vomiting than stomach pumping. Were we to be able to do it again I would have chosen to cover “Christmas in Hollis” by the aforementioned RunDMC in some sort of lounge style.

Stop Being a Jerk: Blog Comment Edition

22 Apr

Those out you who have blogs of your own know the joy of getting comments on your posts. When an e-mail arrives notifying you that you have a comment to moderate, your little heart leaps with joy. Gleefully, you open the e-mail only to discover that the “comment” is really an advertisement for steroids or Viagra or something. With a sigh, you delete the comment. It’s OK because an hour later you receive another comment notification. Slightly less dapper than before, but happy nonetheless, you read that latest “comment”, which is a horrible rant filled with insults, cuss words, and bad grammar. You delete it quickly, irritated that the return e-mail address is a fake (ahole@yousuck.com). Finally, you get some real comments from friends who love you or interesting folks who randomly stumbled upon your site or even from people who respectfully disagree.

However, a recent experience with mean and dumb comments all of which have been deleted has led me to write this latest edition in my ongoing series, “Stop Being a Jerk.”

1. You are a jerk if you leave mean comments on blogs for no other reason that to be nasty. Seriously, why waste your time telling me I’m a fat loser? Or that I must be an idiot to be a Christian? Are you really that bored with your life that you have to send me unpleasant messages? Plus, you don’t even offer up a real e-mail address, so apparently you’re too ashamed to even stand by your statements. I would be, too. For the most part, your grammar is terrible and your writing is appalling. But, then again, you’re probably 12, right?

2. Leaving spam comments is evidence of jerk behavior. Look, if I need performance enhancing drugs (which would be odd since I’m a girl), I’ll go to my family doctor and get a prescription. I don’t need to go to some weird site to order who knows what from you. I am fairly certain that what you’re doing is illegal, and probably some sort of internet scam so that you can get my personal information to rip me off. It’s not nice to steal people’s credit card numbers!

3. I’m sure you have a great site, but when you just post here to promote your site…well, that’s sort of rude. By all means put your web address in the comment box so that readers can click on your name and check out your site. I love doing that! However, when you just leave a comment to post an irrelevant link–that’s a bit jerk-like.

4. I speak English, as do most of the people reading this site. Posting a comment in another language such as Japanese or Spanish or French isn’t acceptable. I ran a few of your comments through a translator and they were fairly vulgar! I know it’s funny to leave dirty comments on the blogs of ignorant Americans because we’re too stupid to check out what you’re saying. Guess what? We’re not as ignorant or stupid as you think, so knock it off. Post in broken English or translate your post so we can all read it. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re being rude and hit delete.

5. No, I do not want to go out with you, have sex with you, or do dirty things with you. I’m not sure if I should thank you for the interest or slap you in the face. If you want to go out with me, make an effort to get to know me, woo me, appreciate me, and then we’ll talk. But if you’re not in a love relationship with God, I’m sorry, but our relationship won’t go past dinner and friendship. (Read more about this topic here).

6. I am not Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus or Billy Ray Cyrus and I don’t have a mullet. I also don’t know any of these people, and if I did, I wouldn’t give you their AIM screen names, cell phone numbers, or e-mail addresses. If you want to contact Miley, please go to her official website. You can feel free to share your thoughts on Hannah Montana (who isn’t a real person, by the way) or Miley Cyrus or even her dad or his 90’s mullet, please do this. Comments directed to Miley will continue to be deleted, and please stop asking me for her contact info. It gets old…fast.

7. Fred Weasley is NOT dead (in my world). If you leave a comment saying he is, you’re mean and misguided. I mean, you can be mean or misguided…but both…that’s just wrong.

To avoid possible confusion (and add to the to the humor) on this topic, I am including some examples of acceptable and unacceptable comments:

Acceptable: “Amy, you are the coolest person ever!” Unacceptable: “Miley Cyrus, you are the coolest person ever!”

Acceptable: “I think that this is an important topic…blah blah blah…smart sounding stuff.” Unacceptable: “U suck butt.”

Acceptable: “Fred’s not dead and I have proof…LINK” Unacceptable: “Fred’s dead…hahahahaha!”

Acceptable: “Thanks for being so open about this.” Unacceptable: “You’re fat and ugly and you’re never gonna get any.” (Any what? Dragon eggs?)

Acceptable: “I don’t agree. I think Obama is really cute.” Unacceptable :”You’re so stupid. How could you like anyone but Obama, you ignorant twit?”

I think you get the picture. No one likes a jerk, especially one who posts unpleasant blog comments. I’m sure I’ll get a plethora of jerky blog comments just for posting a rant against you baddies, but really I don’t want that. I just want you to stop being a jerk.

Read other “Jerk” editions:

Stop Being a Jerk

Stop Being a Jerk, Part 2

Stop Being a Jerk (Internet Edition)

Stop Being a Jerk (Scammer Edition)

Stop Being a Jerk: Soccer Mom Edition coming soon!

Blog Comment Spammers–The New Face of Evil

27 Oct

Chances are, like me, your blog has been inundated by individuals wishing to use your comment section as a means to promote their own blog. Usually these blogs are at the best questionable, and at the worst…well, let’s not go there.

Personally, I’m sick of it. If you like my blog, great! If you wish to push your own agenda, get lost. Opinions are welcome here, but spammers are not. Seriously, I don’t check out your blogs anyway, because for all I know the links could be to porn sites or something. I suppose I could delete the posts and respost them, but why should I lose the comments of all the REAL people interested in my blog? No, no, no….I’ll keep the comments there unless they become too questionable as a sign of your shame.

I seriously doubt that any of my friends or any of the people that read my blog even go to your blogs or links. I mean, maybe if they were legitimate blogs that had SOMETHING to do with anything I wrote about I could understand. But they don’t. It’s just pure nonsense. So, be gone, and spam elsewhere!

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