It’s in the waiting that I find Him. He’s on the edge of every moment of my life, but it’s easier to miss God in the laughter, though He’s the very sound of pure laughter. In the tender moments, I am touched and bless so I offer Him thanks, grateful to be alive.
But I find Him best, strongest when I’m waiting—vulnerable, wailing, holding on to hope, reading my favorite Scriptures, over analyzing, wringing my hands with worry. Somehow these moments are sacred and precious. I have no choice but to cling desperately to God.
I suppose I have a choice, but to cling desperately to fear seems fruitless. I’d rather cling to the One I can praise in the storm.
Right now, I’m in the waiting. I’ve sat by the phone this week waiting—willing it to ring so I could find relief. When it did ring, I didn’t find the results for which I had hoped and prayed. Another test, more waiting.
Quivering with fear, I cling to the familiar psalms. I go over the verses that remind me I’m never alone, that I am tucked under His wings, that He sings over me. It doesn’t always quiet my trembling, but it puts a peace that surpasses all understanding in my heart and spirit.
It is hard to explain how my anxiety can physically manifest itself—the trembling, the crying, the irrational fears—and yet my soul can be at rest. Yet I know in this dichotomy, He is near. I wish I could hold His hand, touch His skin, and rest on my Father’s shoulder, but such is a thing for which the heart yearns, where it will one day find its home.
For now, I know Abba draws close to me, quieting me with His Love.
If it wasn’t for the waiting, though I dread these moments to my core, I would never know the tenderness of God. I wouldn’t need to learn to trust Him or understand how He works despite my anxiety disorder. My faith would be made stronger.
I will celebrate the waiting, for in it I find God.
(As a random aside, God only made me wait a few hours for the test results when I thought I wouldn’t receive them until Friday or Monday. They were normal. I see this as an extra measure of grace because God is so good. Thank You, Father, for being with me in the waiting and in the finding!)