Tag Archives: idenity

So…it’s been a while.

24 Apr

After more than three weeks of silence, she speaks!  The first post after a long respite always seems to be the most awkward.  I have a lot to say,  and yet so much I want to keep close to my heart.  Pardon me, as I work it all out and return to the happy world of writing/blogging.

Two days after Brinley (now Bailey) went to her new home, I broke my right foot.  While I wish there was a fantastical story that accompanied this injury (like when I got bit by a werewolf), there isn’t.  I could say I tripped over a gnome, but I wasn’t even outside when it happened.  I was walking in a store, heard a loud snap, and that was it.  When I’m out I’m accompanied by my mom’s rollator (who I named Tobey), my chariot of fire (transport chair known as Elijah), and Stella/Gloria my non-wheeled original walker that I only use on the stairs and to get in/out of the shower.  (Of all the devices, Stella is the most fun.  My friend Shari and I decked her out with ribbons.)

Mostly, I’ve just been sitting around hoping and praying for visitors, who sometimes show up, spending time with God (who always shows up), listening to a lot of music, and social networking (the way home bound extroverts feel connected).  But I feel like I SHOULD be doing something more.  The should’s get me every time.  I guess there are things I would rather be doing, like feverishly writing something so powerful and so amazing that it’s truly and wonderfully from God or fleshing out the great ideas that are constantly bouncing around my brain (including my book, which I am worried my never get written, at least I’m not under contact, right?) or diving into book after book.

I want to do more, dream more, be more…and that’s all very exhausting!  I can’t keep up with my dreams, and I know my dreams and ideas need to be yielded to God or they’re destined to fail.  I mean, plans will always fall apart and some dreams are not meant to be.  I’ve learned that so clearly, and the pain is still fresh. 

As I sit here, struggling to pull my thoughts together, I realize that this is a good moment.  Maddy the Shih Tzu is warming my lap, the afternoon sun is casting an ambient glow across the room, and I am doing what I love–writing.  In this moment, I find serenity and purpose.  God is in this moment, just like He as in the last and just like He will be in the next moment of my life.

There is something about aloneness that inspires lessons in moment by moment living.  Maybe it’s because moments seem longer, less fleeting, and full of emotion.  In busyness, moments slip by unnoticed.  I believe, despite it all, I am learning to live a contented life–one of joy and, yes, of happiness.  Sometimes that just takes a while to learn.

No Fat Chicks

14 Nov

“Of course fat people have fat friends.  Thin people don’t want to be seen with them; they’re fat.”–Denny Crane, “Boston  Legal” (Portrayed by William Shatner)

The last two weeks the hit legal show “Boston Legal” has been wrestling with the issue of obesity in the workplace.  Named partner of Crane, Poole, & Schmidt Denny Crane (William Shatner) decides to fire a young associate for being obese.  Citing a Harvard study (read study here) which states that obesity can spread social (people who hang out with fat people are more likely to become fat themselves), Denny said he feared catching “the obesity disease” from this woman.  Later it is learned that Denny propositioned this woman for sex, and she turned him down.   How dare a young fat woman turn down the great Denny Crane!

Naturally, being a lawyer, the woman turns around and sues Denny.  The case is eventually dismissed.  But the social issues ring loud and clear, something which producer David E. Kelley is famous for doing in his shows (“Northern Exposure”, “The Practice”).  The issue of obesity is slung around daily on the news–schools cutting down on unhealthy foods, the obesity rate of the nation, the cost of obesity on the health care system, and so on.  Yes, obesity is a big issue (pun intended).

However, the real issues behind obesity can never be discussed in a 30-second news clip–how it feels to be fat.  I discussed my personal struggles with obesity and how to work with teens who are fighting the battle of the bulge in this article on Youth Ministry Exchange (Identity Crisis: Growing Up Fat).

The italicized quote from the show speaks to the fear of a fat woman–no one will want me like this.  Not even a fat man.  No one.  I am not lovely.  I am not beautiful.  I am not captivating.  And it’s my fault that I’m like this–if only I tried harder to make a diet stick or exercised more or got surgery.  I am fat and it’s my fault.  I am ashamed of who I am.  These are some of the thoughts that run through the mind of a fat woman.

If only I tried harder to be funny or charming or helpful or kind or brilliant, then people would want to be around me, right?  I’m so indecent as to be fat, so I’ve got to make up for it somehow.  A fat woman sees her shortcomings, and sometimes eats to fill the void.  But it cannot be assumed that an obese person is fat because of poor eating habits.  In fact, often obesity and other problems such as a slow metabolism or a thyroid problem go hand in hand.  A lot of cases there’s a medical and even emotional problem already existing, but that’s ignored.  It’s simply horrible to be fat.

And yet God still loves fat people.  He sees behind the layers of celluloid to the person’s heart.   He wants to heal the hurts of all His people, even the fat ones.  Church, let’s get real.  Let’s start thinking about how we think, talk, and approach our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Fat jokes have got to stop, especially if you’re making them about yourself.

We will never know how much we cost.  We are flawed, yet beautiful.  We are the Bride of Christ, the very definition of beauty.  No one, not even this world can take the beauty that is ours in Christ.

Remember who you are in God.

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