Me versus Mental Illness

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day-a day to raise awareness for the monsters of mental illness we who suffer battle every single day.

It doesn’t make me less than.

Or crazy. (Most of the time.)

It makes me cleave to God all the more because I desperately need Him to function with the appearance of a somewhat normal person.

But I also think living with anxiety and depression makes me more compassionate, more thoughtful, and maybe a little more interesting than I would be without it.

Oh, I’ve railed at God for creating me like this, begged Him for healing, and groaned prayers that only the Spirit could understand.

I’ve been ashamed to talk about it because I don’t want to face scorn. I don’t want people to see me as incapable, yet I desperately want to be understood in spite of it.

I am me, not in spite of my mental illness, but because of it. It’s a gift that keeps me in the folds of God’s love. I don’t understand it; I accept it.

Like the aspostle Paul wrote, I choose to see it as a gift to cause me to constantly and wholly rely on God. It’s not a gift I would’ve picked, but it has and is shaping me, molding me, changing me.

Maybe there will be a day without daily medications, therapists, panic attacks, and days I just can’t make it out my front door. Maybe not.

I just trust God to shine through all the broken places so people can see His love in my eyes.

I choose to live because of it, not in spite of it.

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3 Responses to “Me versus Mental Illness”

  1. depression566 October 11, 2016 at 5:27 AM #

    these feelings you express are mine exactly.Ibelieve god knows if I were left on I would have totally destroyed myself.I know I need him and this leaves holding on too him.so important for meaning in spite of my depression.

    • Amy Sondova October 11, 2016 at 2:31 PM #

      Or because of your depression. Thanks for commenting!

  2. Linda Prueter October 14, 2016 at 1:08 AM #

    Once again, Amy, I applaud your honest assessment and stand in awe at your recognition of God’s grace in all of this. I was especially moved by your remark, “I just trust God to shine through all the broken places so people can see His love in my eyes.” That is such a striking image for all of us to consider in whatever the broken places of our lives are. Thank you for sharing your experience, as it strengthens me.

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