When I first learned that I broke my foot, I comforted myself with the thought of lying about my apartment—in bed, on the couch—reading, watching documentaries on NetFlix, catching up on my mental to-do list, and writing my little heart out. I haven’t finished one book, watched one documentary, written a to-do list, yet I have been writing…in my journal. While these conversations with God are precious and private, I feel that my silence has added to my struggle with identity. Oh, I know my identity is in God alone! I know He created me and He defines me and He tells me who I am! I know this!
But…sometimes it’s difficult to explain that to others when they ask me what I do. It’s a long story. A really long story. Fortunately, my faithful family (which includes dear friends) knows my story as do you, my loving readers, because you’ve been on this journey with me for years. Even though I’ve spent so much of the past year in silence, even though some of you have wandered to other blogs, know I appreciate you, pray for you, and cherish you.
Writing for you to make my joy complete (see post) has fallen by the wayside. And part of that is my fault, for chasing after things that don’t add life. Things which, in fact, break my heart. God says, “No.” Quietly, patiently, lovingly He says, “No, this is not my best. You can have this thing you so desire, but I have something even better in mind. Just you wait and see what I will do!” I imagine a glimmer in His eye; I hear a hint of it in His voice. And even though I don’t like surprises, I know whatever He’s planning, working, creating is good because God is good.
So I will wait.
Still, I really hate waiting. My anxiety fights for control. I understand matriarch Sarah’s confusion as she waited for her promised son, Isaac. I imagine her wringing her hands, noticing the wrinkles, new age spots. She stood up and her knees cracked and ached with each step she took. The laugh lines around her eyes—ha, what did she have to laugh about?! Yes, God, You have promised something good…but is there something I’m supposed to be doing? I mean, should I be vigilant about the process? Maybe help You out a little? What if I miss it? As if Sarah could miss pregnancy! As if I could miss my blessing from God! (Side note: This blessing, though a mystery to me, will probably not result in immaculate conception and/or marriage. I just know it’s something, and it may not even seem like a gift from God to anyone else…but I will know it’s from Him.)
As I wait for this good thing, I know I’ve missed the blessing of writing and the joy it brings—the complete joy. Because I’ve been so busy “making it happen,” I didn’t factor in the time it cost me—time that could have been more effectively used to do things like read, watch documentaries, or even write for others! Not that my free time has been a complete waste either. I just know that I might have been blessed and been a blessing. Oh, distraction will get us every time when we take our eyes off the prize! (God used Sara Groves’ song “Eyes on the Prize” from Invisible Empires to help me realize this.)
I’m sorry for not being there for you, for chasing after that which does not satisfy, for that which leaves me longing for more. I told you I would write to make my joy complete, that I would let the Holy Spirit fill me with all joy…and I meant it then and I mean it now. Sometimes I get distracted by the scenery on the side of the road; it comes when you write from the backseat, I guess.
“Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it…” I’ll try to keep the wandering to a minimum…as long as I’m wandering towards God, towards His joy, and towards the better, make that best, choices.
Let’s chat. Like me, are you prone to wander? What do you do when you realize you’re still on God’s path, but you’ve stopped to smell the roses for a bit too long? Will you pray for me? How can I pray for you?