Last night when I was supposed to be sleeping, I thought about my blog. After a while I was tempted to turn my computer back on to write about the things in my mind. But since I was attempting to get some shut eye, I refrained. One of the thoughts I had repeatedly was this: “Why can’t I seem to write that encouraging stuff about God anymore?”
It bothered me to think that I have all these God thoughts and fail to share them with the world. Don’t we all need more God? I’ve come to realize that the conversations I’ve been having with God are far too personal and private to share–some are heart-wrenching and others delightful, yet right now they are for me.
I suppose I’m a natural encourager. I don’t want people to feel alone in this world, to know that someone cares, and to realize that I’m just a reflection of the love that can be found in God alone. Yet with all this encouraging, I find myself worn out, spent, and useless. Then this leads to a change in mood, perhaps a depressive or anxious spin. I am utterly empty.
It’s hard work making sure that everyone is OK. I want to be Florence Nightingale to the whole world (or at least my part of it), but the band-aid just can’t reach that far. Then I shut down and have very few God thoughts. But I do have thoughts…I am just using them more carefully right now. I can’t say why exactly–am I growing up? Am I sharing them in personal exchanges? Are they fodder for a book? Perhaps. We shall see.
Lest you all think I have given my should to the McCain/Palin Campaign, I wanted to let you know that I have not. It still believes to the Lover of my Soul, who died to make me His. Ah, the greatest love story ever and I’m invited to take part in it. It makes me feel almost pretty, but I know to Him, I am his beautiful, pure bride. It’s hard to explain how God is using things to tell me who I am in light of these experiences, but when I’m ready, I’ll let you in on the party.
P.S. You can always suggest topics (serious or nonsensical for me to write about here of for us to look into on Backseat Writer)!!!