Bridezillas = Wifezillas

21 Jul

I felt like vegging out in front of the TV to watch something mindless (but not too mindless. I drew the line at “High School Musical: Get in the Picture,” a lame new “reality” show on ABC). I settled on “Bridezilla”, a “reality” show on WE (Women’s Entertainment) about brides who go postal getting ready for their weddings. Personally, I like watching women act irrationally because it makes me feel saner. Yes, I find sanity at the expense of others.

These brides know what they’re signing up for when they have a television crew follows them around as they primp and preen and taste and decorate (and yell and scream and curse out and alienate all their close friends and family). I don’t feel that bad for them. If there was a show called “PMS Nation,” and I was asked to “star” in it for a few episodes, I would decline (unless I got a lot of money), but I doubt the world wants to see me act irrationally, eat chocolate, lie around moaning, burst into tears for no reason, and yell at people for no reason. Plus, this sort of behavior would scare off all men and prevent me from becoming a bride(-zilla).

Despite how I would act on “PMS Nation,” I’m pretty sure I would be nicer than these girls. On the last episode I saw, the one bride-to-be was particularly cruel signing up her future hubby for weight loss AND etiquette classes. Plus, she complained about everything he did—how he chewed, what he ate, how he dressed, and so on. I was beginning to wonder why she went on a date with him in the first place. It seems a little odd to marry someone she clearly finds so repulsive. Naturally, the groom was getting pretty angry, but did he dump her? Not yet. For the most part he put up with it! Is that love or stupidity?

The part that nearly killed me was this—she got the poor guy (Jeremy…I can remember his name because she was always screaming it) up at 5:30 AM for his surprise personal work-out. Who wants to get up that early…to work out…unexpectedly? I can’t think of a worse thing to do in the wee hours of the morning. While she’s “encouraging” Jeremy (OK, screaming at him and calling him cruel names), she downs a dozen donuts! Literally, 12 donuts! Plus, she was fat, too! She was the worst bridezilla I’ve ever seen.

This is the part that kills me—the guys ALWAYS marry these hysterical psychos! If this is how a woman acts under wedding stress, chances are this is how she will act when marriage gets tough or the kids are out of control. These men have the unique opportunity to see how it’s going to go down before they ever say “I do” and they say it anyway.

It’s times like this I truly wonder why I’m single. Look, I want my wedding to be beautiful, but I’d go to the J.P. You know, whatever works. Instead of having a wishing well to give me and my future mister cash, wouldn’t it be cool to use the money to buy a well for Blood: Water Mission? There’s no need to go broke having a “dream” wedding; the dreamiest part of the day is going to the man standing at the front of the church waiting to marry me. The decorations, the dress, the gifts, the guests, and the seating arrangement are just incidentals that come along with the affair, not the main event. Frankly, if my beloved wanted to wear comfy jeans, sandals, and his favorite t-shirt I’d be cool with that (as long as the t-shirt wasn’t one I found revolting. I do have standards after all).

I don’t understand how these women can spend so much money and hurt so many people just to make things “perfect.” Do these chicas also expect picture perfect homes and children and marriages, too? Because if they do, no wonder the divorce rate in the United States is so high. Nothing is that perfect, especially not weddings. Besides, things are usually more memorable and hilarious when disaster strikes.

If I ever do get to say “I do”, I count on tripping down the aisle, breaking something when I throw my bouquet (or accidentally nailing someone in the face. I apologize in advance), and waiting impatiently for a member of the wedding party as she arrives late. That’s life, especially married life. Any woman (or man) that refuses to deal with that reality has no business getting married because the real wedding disaster will be an unhappy marriage.

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