The past few months, I try to blog when I feel happy. While there have been some “downer” posts here and there, for the most part I’ve been either upbeat or ranting or humorous (at least I think I’m funny). I’ve mentioned before that there’s a high cost of being real and admitting your struggles, even obvious ones to others. Who wants to be criticized for being vulnerable when already in a vulnerable state? Then again, someone’s got to be real or everyone will continue to masquerade through life never touching on what really matters.
So as I run my fingers across the keyboard this evening, I can admit that I’m melancholy. In fact, the rims of my eyes are still red from crying. I’m hormonal, Father’s Day is on Sunday (always hard), I hate the way I look, I feel lonely, I think I should be doing more with my life at 28, and I’m tired of writing about people who have way better lives than me. There, I said it. At least part of it. I’m sure there’s more crammed down there.
It all hurts and at first, I felt helpless. Then I remembered something from the introduction to A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren, something that brought me comfort in a time of deep sorrow. McLaren was going though a personal crisis of belief and felt suicidal. Finally, it dawned on him–if he could do something as radical as take his own life, then he could do something radical to change it for the better.
Of course, being me, I have a long list of things I should change and I want to do everything right away so I can be perfect and person that God can use. Obviously, I’m much too flawed in my present state to be of use to anyone. I mean, did you ever look in the mirror and take stock of your life and wonder, “Gee, why do people even want to hang out with me”? That’s how low I’m feeling.
Despite how I feel, I know that God views me as more, as someone precious in His image (even though I feel like the farthest thing from the image of God at the moment). Yes, I can make some changes, but let’s face it–I’m not gonna be financially blessed, married (or engaged!), have a job I absolutely love AND pays the bills, and live a fabulous life with amazing details that are in the mind of God right this second! And it’s so easy to see that I do have enough, I am doing something that I love (sometimes), and I have a best friend who is dearer than a sister. Oh, and let’s not forget my adorable dogs and bird.
I know that this, too, will pass. As I write, the rage I feel towards myself is fading because I am reminding myself of God’s truth. But it’s still there, in the pit of my stomach. I’ve heard people “pray” about deliverance and they find immediate recovery from these thoughts. That’s never been my experience though…I’ve wrestled with these things until I’m exhausted and even then wrestled some more. Yet I always arrive at truth…eventually.
There, I’ve done it. The mask is off and I’m letting you in on a bit of what’s rattling through my brain. I hope this helps someone out there realize he or she isn’t alone, that someone else has felt the same way.