I wonder if I’m wandering through life with a giant “kick me” sign, visible to the rest of the world but invisible to me. It’s been that kind of week, and it’s been topped off with a cherry of a family problem.
I feel like heading over to Amazon.com to buy multiple copies of Cloud and Townsend’s BOUNDARIES books. Unfortunately, I don’t have the power to change others, only myself, and how I deal with situations. Sometimes it’s hard enough to deal with me, much less the drama of others–at least those who thrust their drama upon me. Those who quietly seek assistance are always welcome. Besides, it seems like those closest to me are the ones who rip me up the most.
I keep thinking that I must be doing something terribly wrong because chaos encircles me like vultures searching for roadkill. I do my best to pray, read my Bible, and hide His Word in my heart–and I know that these disciplines are the only things that keep me somewhat sane in an otherwise maddening world. I know the gentle hope of God is my strength…I know all these things. Yet in my darkest moments, I wonder–why all the pain?
True, pain is a conduit for God to mold and shape His creation. Yet for some it’s an endless barrage of battles, misunderstandings, and baggage. When is enough actually enough? Is life just surviving through the next big thing, or do we actually find joy in the journey?
I don’t remember much about the movie Angels in the Outfield, but I can clearly recall this line (probably because it was in all the movie ads)–“You can’t go through life thinking that everyone you meet will one day let you down.” But everyone you meet will probably let you down…it’s just how far they let you fall and if they kick you when you’re down. It’s the kicking you when you’re down part I find hard to fathom.
This is a big ramble of raw emotion–hurt and anger–that I’m throwing out in cyberspace to achieve some sort of catharsis. Some may question the wisdom of that, but I realize the wisdom is in the questions, and even more in finding hope in the answers. We all wrestle with these things, and instead of pretending we don’t, I just want to be honest with people…because I know I certainly don’t wrestle alone.
Maybe to live is to wear a “kick me” sign. Jesus did say that in this world we would have much trouble and even His family didn’t understand His purpose. I guess Jesus wore just about the biggest “kick me” sign in the world when He died on the cross for our sins. So, how can we expect any less? It’s a good thing that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, because even so, it’s terribly hard to bear.