A Thread of Reality or a Thin Veil of Madness?

I don’t know if you’ve ever found yourself in the place where you have a choice to hold onto a thread of reality or go stark, raving mad.  Suddenly, the thin veil between the two is torn, and you have a choice.  You can feel yourself slowly slipping away, and you know if you don’t hold on to something, whatever that something is, you will eventually lose your mind.  It is indeed a scary place to be.

This is where I found myself in the Fall of 2004.

I’ve alluded to my struggles with mental illness in my blog, but never told the story…not really.  Oh, I have plans for my story!  A book!  Then the whole world will know and I will no longer have to feel ashamed that I am mentally ill because I proved that I could still make something out of my life.  The problem is the book is still forthcoming and only exists as scribbles here and there.  The truth is that the story is still unfolding, even now, even in this moment.

What truly holds me back in many areas of my life is shame.  I am ashamed that I couldn’t handle life, ashamed that I have a Master’s degree in counseling of all things, ashamed of what happened in Fall of 2004.  I can show compassion to those who suffer with anxiety, depression, post-trauma stress disorder, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder.  I can consult with others on self-injury, bipolar disorder, and offer cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.  Yet strangely, it is hard for me to show compassion to myself.  More than ever I realize the wisdom of my counseling professors who advised every counselor to also receive counseling.  It makes me feel less alone.

I want to tell my story, at least in part.  But I can’t.  Not tonight.  Not right now.  But I will leave you with this–my diagnosis.  Major Depression.  Anxiety. Complex Post-Traumatic Disorder.  I am more than a depressed, anxious, traumatized young woman, but I’m afraid that when people look at me, all they will see is my diagnosis.  I guess because that’s all I  sometimes see when I look at myself.

0 thoughts on “A Thread of Reality or a Thin Veil of Madness?

  1. I know its hard to look outside of what you see yourself but when I think of you I think of the picture I took of you with the caterpillar. You are so beautiful and full of love. Whether nature, people, animals or art, you live your life with a love and passion. Your depression and other disorders do not define who you are they only tell apart of where you struggle. I look forward to reading your book. 🙂

  2. I know its hard to look outside of what you see yourself but when I think of you I think of the picture I took of you with the caterpillar. You are so beautiful and full of love. Whether nature, people, animals or art, you live your life with a love and passion. Your depression and other disorders do not define who you are they only tell apart of where you struggle. I look forward to reading your book. 🙂

  3. ” Yet strangely, it is hard for me to show compassion to myself. ”

    I can SO identify with this. When I began having migranes, and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, gave me an anti-depressant (bless her soul!), and recommended I get counseling, I felt like my world was falling apart. I’d tried for so many years to just be “normal”, to give myself time to heal, and present a happy, normal, well-adjusted facade to the world… and suddenly realized that it was pretty transparent.

    I always thought my issues were just character flaws… if i just tried harder, prayed more, etc. then I could beat them. But really… that wasn’t being fair to myself, at all. Over the past year, I’ve learned to see just how strong I am… all of the things i went through could have devistated me, but they didn’t! Maybe it takes more courage to admit our weaknesses than to continue to cover them up?

    Just my random thoughts for you.

  4. ” Yet strangely, it is hard for me to show compassion to myself. ”

    I can SO identify with this. When I began having migranes, and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, gave me an anti-depressant (bless her soul!), and recommended I get counseling, I felt like my world was falling apart. I’d tried for so many years to just be “normal”, to give myself time to heal, and present a happy, normal, well-adjusted facade to the world… and suddenly realized that it was pretty transparent.

    I always thought my issues were just character flaws… if i just tried harder, prayed more, etc. then I could beat them. But really… that wasn’t being fair to myself, at all. Over the past year, I’ve learned to see just how strong I am… all of the things i went through could have devistated me, but they didn’t! Maybe it takes more courage to admit our weaknesses than to continue to cover them up?

    Just my random thoughts for you.

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