Saying Goodbye

My grandmother is dying, even though both of my grandparents have been on their death beds before, this is the real deal. She’s just slipping away and spends a lot of time sleeping. Please pray for quick passage. It’s literally killing my grandfather to see her suffer and he weeps frequently. Please pray for him as well…one of the hardest parts is seeing him cry because he never really showed emotion…

How am I doing? I’ve been really focused on making crafts for my craft show tomorrow and trying not to think about it. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I cry a lot or I cry when I talk to my mom or Sarah. I think I’m handling it pretty okay.

Yesterday, I went to see my grandmother by myself, I guess to say goodbye. I just sat there and cried and cried for the first 15 minutes. She would open and close her eyes and tell me not to cry. But I think she could tell how much I loved her (especially because I kept saying it every 30 seconds!) I told her that I would miss her so much. She told me that I was the joy of her life. We shared memories and it was a good time, but a weird conversation. She would talk for a minute or two, close her eyes for 4 minutes and then say something. She told my mom last night that we had a good time. We even laughed once or twice…. 🙂

One thing I would like to do for her is let her see Cassie (the dog) one last time. Unfortunately, the hospital only allows animals in the lobby. So, I think I might want to take her over on Sunday, so I might beg the nurses to let me take Cassie in for 5 minutes. If they don’t let me, I’m gonna see how the ground is outside her room and have Cassie “wave” at her through the window. I think she’d much rather pet the dog…but at least it’s something. It’s such a little thing and I feel stupid for asking, but pray that we can do this little thing for my grandma…if she’s still alive on Sunday. It sounds horrible to say it that way…but it’s reality.

Everyt time the phone rings, I don’t want to answer it because I’m afraid it’s going to be someone telling me that she’s passed. As much as I know she’s suffering, I don’t want to lose my grandma. But we have been assured of her hope in Christ and I told her that when she leaves this life she’ll be ushered into Jesus’ arms, and she smiled serenely. She seems to be at peace with death and knows we’ll be together again. It’s goodbye for a little while, but it’s still hard.

Here are lyrics to a Chris Rice song called “Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)” that’s offering me a lot of hope right now, especially the last stanza.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden’s lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don’t be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall…so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can’t contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

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